Lord willing, these are little life ambitions through which I hope to spread the good news and the hope of the cross. It's amazing how much can change in your mid-20's. Glad Donald Miller asked me to write these down :)
Start a family
Facilitate a women's running club
Help those who need help understanding Healthcare
Be a voice for the hearing impaired community and with insurance companies
Be surrounded by kids as much as possible (Faith like a child reminders)
Invest in relationships fearlessly
Witness the membership of HOSA's 10,000th person
Make a home that is open to all and a haven for wanderers/inbetweeners
Farthest from my mind is sleep. But I know I need rest. Closest to my heart is a desire to fight. But I forget what I was fighting for. Then, for a quick moment, I catch a glimpse of the battle. I hear the sounds, I see the fight, but I don't know what to do. I'm a freeze frame in a strand of action filled movie clips.
Bogged down by my own expectations and hopes, I had veered off a the path of faithfulness and into the empty place of worldliness. Filled schedules and lots of people - I had met my best friend, Busyness, again and he had tagged me in this two person game of freeze tag.
Approaching a big event in my new career, I was asked the question. "Does it get tiring?" A friend asked.
"Does what get tiring?" I said.
"Being 'Lauren Wojcik'?" I gave some half-wit response that fit the deed and went to sleep thinking about it.
The next morning I looked him in the eye and said, "Only when I forget why I am doing this."
Well, sports fans. I forgot. I forgot why I was walking this walk. Not just for a moment, but for a hibernation period amount of time. The desires of the world had casted a sleeping spell over my heart.
This 25-ish age is not what I expected. I predicted uncertainty and instability. I foresaw the need for patience and asking hard questions. I was ready for that.
But I didn't think it would be this hard to choose joy. I didn't think I'd carry anger because of the petty drama from life. I honestly thought these awesome lips would have been kissed by some strapping young lad by now. I envisioned feeling a little more confident in my faith and in the gospel.
Fear was my enemy in that tag game. Fear froze me.
I can jump off a 15 foot cliff, scale boulders in caves 4 stories underground, wrangle 32 PE third graders in a game of Gold Rush, long board on Michigan Roads, and tweeze my eyebrows without any fear.
I can run while racing a moped, drive country roads at 3 am, bike downhill with both hands in the air, enter triathlon waters with 30 other fearless women on cold September mornings, and iron large amounts of clothing.
I can't be fearless in a relationship. I'm challenged by the risk of losing something I love. I fear growing close to someone who could leave. I choose to fear the worst in my friendships and my relationships.
Then I remembered- Jesus didn't leave. He stayed. He died. He Rose. He is coming back for his team. For my home team. For me.
I heard the nailing. I saw the cross rise. I tasted the body and blood. I melted.
No longer frozen, I remembered - I am loved, I am wanted, I am cherished and forgiven. I have every reason to love because fear died with Jesus.
And finally, with my hand out the window, the night time sky in the horizon - I hear the battle, I see the battle, and I am worshiping for a love that is stronger than fear. I know what I am fighting for.
That moment where you've reached the fork in the road and you have to decide.
Left or right.
I look left and I see what I know, what I am comfortable snuggling up against.
I look right and I see winds, storms, waves, and nothing but my toes below me and the feeling of my heart pounding.
This is my get out of the boat moment. This is where I need to leap.
The choices I will be making are filled with nothing but cold turkey emotions - I know this is the answer, but I was too afraid to ask the question.
God, HOW do I get there?
So often I quiet in conversation because I sound different. I fear conversation because I know that I require more attention. I regret that I ask for patience from my audience in every syllable I speak.
I've always known the most visible angels in my life to be those who not only coax me to keep talking but those who actually listen to my heart and not just the brokenness of my speech.
More then my first kiss, my first true love, a size 6, or a never-ending paycheck - I long for the ability to speak with clarity and confidence.
Some argue that because my deepest weakness is audible and "on my sleeve"... God uses for His glory it as a catalyst for vulnerability and intimacy. I'll side with that argument. I cherish that God uses me in that way.
Then there is the other side of the conversation. The side that tells me, "Through technology, I gave you better hearing. Now, lets buckle down and work on clearer communication. All it will take is a little discipline, a little work, and LOADS of pride-smack-downs."
Speech Therapists tell me it is possible. They tell me it will take tons of hard work and armies of angels who will gently correct me, listen to me, and practice patience with me.
I'm ready. Shakily I stand, weary I walk, but each step is not my own. I ask God for financial assistance, for a fearless heart, and I ask God to fill me with HIS words, HIS voice, and HIS will.
