fullness.

the moments that play on repeat in your heart - are they the ones you'd expect to be there?

Do you notice that the big moments - whether it is a beginning (dating, marriage, new house, etc.) or an ending (prom, graduation, retirement, etc.) - are surrounded with expectations? I used to think that these big life moments would be the ones that'd move me, change me, or be the "one day I wish I could relive."

Lately, I've been replaying the under the radar stuff. 

because gratitude lives in the small and

expectations always seem to lie in the large.

like seeing my sister hold her daughter for the first time -

or watching my Dad eat breakfast with his golfing buddies

and photographing my friend & roomate on the porch of her dream #lovelansing house.

like baptisms at Riverview

or "meet you halfway" dinners with Detroit friends

and underwater cameras and bartending with the cousins.

like phone conversations with my twin

or St.Patty's day celebrations just because

and 8 mile rivertrail runs after work on Fridays.

like adrenaline seeking with Mark on trips to the UP

or giggles & storytime with the best three Burley girls

and denim couch chats with Katie & baby Graham.

like Claddaugh's laughter fits with Dilyn

or Justin Beiber singing - empty movie theatre singing with Katie

and live music with Johnny Pomeroy & the HOSA crew.

like hilly San Francisco jogs

or fresh seafood and patio seating with Aunts and Uncles

and coffee mugs and wedding planning in Seattle.

these moments

i love.

these moments

are sacred. 

gratitude lives in history and makes room for hope in future.

...on hard stuff becoming hope stuff

Pressure makes diamonds.

Fire refines gold.

Believe in hard stuff.

Believe that God meets us there and we lean in to Him.

Believe that HOPE and HARD are best friends.

Believe that His strength is greater; know that leaning into His timing and His plan is the hardest thing we get to continue doing in this world.

In the FULLNESS of time (not now, not tomorrow, but in eternity) we will know what this unclear, hard,  hurtful, and messy stuff was for.

My High School P.E. teacher and Cross Country coach died after racing the Chicago Marathon - where she finished with a Boston qualifying time. Her wisdom every single day was to "enjoy the struggle." 

Believe that too - because everything worth living for is eventually something you have to fight for.

I look back on 27 years of life and I see a child's finger-painting; it's nothing but blended colors of inanimate shapes and everything messy. I see a girl learning that she can't do it alone. And with time and perspective - it reveals something simple, true and absolutely beautiful. 

Reach Art Studio. 2009. YL Work Project - Before I knew Lansing had  my heart

• 15 years ago I self-consciously stopped wearing my hearing aids
• 9 years ago cancer was removed from my healthiest & strongest self
• 8 years ago I met these 6th grade girls who taught me about sacrificial love
• 3 years ago I was in the desert - from friends, family, and God
• 2 years ago I heard a tea kettle (with my new hearing aids) for the first time.
• 1 year ago I was baptized (again) in the Holy Spirit 
• 7 months ago our family expanded - a beautiful wife for my twin brother and a precious baby girl for my older sister.
• Tomorrow, I visit the same desert I lived in with both of hearing aids and more strength then when I left it.  I see God's masterpiece - there is evidence of gold in that mess of paint.

I trust the whatever, the whoever, the wherever and the however this life continues to unfold - I will be committed to painting it boldly with love, passion, and a toughness that is not my own. 

This heart & flesh will fail, will hurt/be hurt by others, and be broken a bajillion times;

but this faith is in a God who doesn't quit, enters battles, and endures forever.

And for you?

If you call me thinking you can make diamonds by moving your own tectonic plates - I'll help you try; I'll listen to your struggles; I'll pray like crazy that your eyes will be opened to the freedom that comes from letting go and letting God.

Because as Bob Goff says, that's what love does.

And I promise you, I'll gladly take you up on your offer for a glass of Merlot as we sink into the couch after you are done trying to move that mountain. For all I know your struggle today will be my mountain tomorrow.

I look forward to the moments we sleepily converse about the times we thought we could do hard stuff alone - hope dreaming of the gold and diamonds we'll see in our painting someday - hearts filled with gratitude for the people who chose to stay with us in the mess, in the hurt, in the struggle.

 I believe that if finger painting is already always messy, you might as well paint with a friend too.

Because hard stuff becomes hope stuff when you paint together.

...on moulin rouge

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that 

never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing everyday that scares you 

Sing 

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, 

don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss 

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. 

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; 

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch 

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year 

olds I know still don’t. 

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. 

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – 

your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. 

Enjoy your body, 

use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people 

think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. 

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. 

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you 

knew when you were young.” 

[Baz Luhrmann]

on the you.

You know the very thing at your core that affects your center of gravity in a second's notice? The one that drives you down and moves you forward - that pulls you back and sends you to the clouds? That's what I want to know about you.

This season continues to move me to words. The confession? My yearning for stability and settling is strong. My strengths seem to lie in everything I envisioned for my future-family-self. The truth? Jesus leads elsewhere; He reminds me of Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 12:9 and smiles. Through that smile I hear Him telling me to be courageous and brave in that weakness; because I AM.

Instead, the day to day is nothing but dynamic situations. He has created me to feel deep; He asks me to love hard. More then anything, He brings me beautiful people and all the joyfilled tough stuff that comes with them. In turn I sit with some awesome emotions.

I've learned that He knows my emotions - sees them and has lived them - but asks for boldness beyond them. He lays out reason and has given me truth to stand in instead.

I like that. There is a time for emotions and there is a time for trusting what is unfolding - rooting it deep in truth. This has made me a better version of myself.

I can't generalize these thoughts into take-away or bullet point steps for "How to Be Your Best You."

But I do know it all starts with knowing Jesus.

And often it continues with fellowship, community, and depth in relationships. People who see your raw emotions, recognize them, but know when to tell you to focus on the reasoning and seek the truth.

If you sit with people just like you, you see the same small image of God that you always see. If you put a diverse group of believers together, you often draw closer to the whole picture of God.

It's my daily pursuit to love the woman God has created in & through me - to humbly lay it down at the feet of Jesus. The Lord purposefully molds my small little piece to be shared with the whole.

What I rest in this evening is that with eyes fixed on Jesus, my yesterday does not define who I can be right in this moment.  What I challenge myself for tomorrow is to be moved to my core by the gospel so that I meet others with the same eyes that Jesus has for me. 

*Speaking of weakness: I'm finally trying Pure Barre tonight - I'm stoked. The last time I stepped foot in a dance studio was in kindergarten; they had to order me a "special sized costume..." I hope my awesome flexibility doesn't knock other people over :)

on emotions.

"Emotions moderated by reason and guided by truth 

lead to constructive action."

[Gary Chapman]

lupita nyong'o

Quite a few conversations this week with friends who fear aging, pregnancy, and changes in their physical beauty. Mulling through scripture and asking the Lord for wisdom - if anything is revealed, I'll be sure to share. However, this Oscar winning lady nailed my current perspective.

Start with your heart ladies. Tune it to seek grace, use God's strength, and to share every gift you've been given.  

those fading blues.

January started with three friends on vacation at the Rose Bowl parade and ready for a Spartan victory.

February began with a car full of my cousin and her college friends - excited to spend Saturday night in cozy gray chairs of Riverview.

March rolled in with late night Lansing tunes, icy parking lots, short rest, and 1100+ high school students excited about pursuing health careers and eager to compete for their gold medals (very much like lions).

This month holds thirty one days of work hours and to-do lists - best friend's birthdays and college basketball games. It shouldn't vary far from the other March months I've lived,

but tonight the even sky whispered something different.

The evening orange was not quick to turn to night time blue - it was not eager to leave. It seemed very much like a reminder, asking me to hold today with just as much care as tomorrow.

January's practice was making exercise a priority.
February asked for consistency in prayers.
March holds something undetermined to me - but it feels full and light all at the same time. It feels just like I'm settling into some kind of fruitful rhythm.

Excited to unfold God's provision this month. Grateful to be a part of the gospel's growth and definition of blessings in "loving the unlovable and comforting the sorrowful" (The One Thing Christians Should Stop Saying).

Grateful for depth, for committment, and for God's beautiful ways of revealing His truths.